Hank Chien Regrets Donkey Kong Record

1 04 2010

Hank Chien, the plastic surgeon whose recent record score of 1,061,700 points thrusted him to the top of the Donkey Kong food chain, couldn’t have been happier when the kill screen came and cemented him as one of the world’s top players. The culmination of months of hard work was verified and paid off in a New York arcade to much rejoicing.

But now that accomplishment has been sullied by the minor fame it came with, impacting not only his business but has drawn out “the crazy” in people and a heap of regret in the man himself.

“Hindsight is 20/20, but man, I should never have tried this,” he said.

“When I tell my patients, some think it’s hilarious,” he said, “but others leer nervously and I never see them again.”

Former world record holder Billy Mitchell, hot sauce manufacturer and owner of Rickey’s World Famous Restaurant, had remained quiet on the matter until Chien received a special congratulatory care package full of hot sauces.

“I spent all day on the toilet after that,” Chien recalled. “I’m really glad we found space for the arcade cabinet in our apartment, because if the can had been ousted I would’ve been up shit creek. Literally.”

Chien said that in the past week he’s also started to receive strange late-night phone calls from a Detroit, Michigan number, characterized by long stretches of heavy breathing and soft-spoken swears before the caller hangs up.

“The guy, I think it’s a guy, keeps whispering how I’m a little bitch about to get smoked. That can’t be good.”

Steve Wiebe, the underdog star of the 2007 documentary King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, reportedly “went out of his way” to congratulate the new champ on his accomplishment, which led Chien to think he was a “pretty cool guy.” But those congratulatory emails never stopped, and Chien said that they had devolved into increasingly desperate and rambling cries for help.

“At first it was just ‘hey, congrats, nice work!’ and stuff like that,” Chien said. “Now I get a dozen emails a day that just say ‘oh god oh god oh god leave jr alone oh god.'”

The massive amount of playtime has seeped into his dreams as well, leading to a recurring nightmare where Chien’s every moment is spent dodging barrels chucked by rabid apes.

Ultimately, Chien said, he looks back on his time spent training with puzzling self-realization.

“It’s weird, man. I spent all that time plugging away at memorizing spring patterns and other bullshit, and for what? So I can get poisoned?”

Disgusted by it all, he sneered, “Donkey Kong, man. It’ll fuck your life up.”

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